The Great 8 Glasses Of Water Conspiracy

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Written by Frank O'Candle

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

The water industry have had us believing for years that we must drink at least 8 glasses of water a day, but from where does this advice actualy originate? Who pays for these so-called 'health experts'? And who really benefits from all this water consumption? Undercover reporter Frank O'Candle investigates.

For the last 10 years I have been playing desperate catch up, and it's ruining my health.

Since learning that, if I don't drink at least 8 glasses of water everyday, I will feel mildly fatigued, may experience headaches, and occasionally notice a stickiness of tongue, I have been furiously chucking back litres of water every day.

My arm hurts from lifting glasses. My fingernails have shred from opening bottles. I am anxious if away from a bottle of H2O for more than 10 minutes. And I wake at least 3 times every night with a bladder like the Hoover dam.

Meanwhile, the very 'Health Experts', 'Nutritionists' and 'Government Advisory Websites' who put me here have moved into 28 bedroom mansions overlooking the sea, eat shaved eskimo baby off solid gold crockery, and have toilet rolls made entirely of silk.

There's a wall of silence around an industry geared towards forcing bucketful upon bucketful of cold, glistening water down the throats of unsuspecting Joe Public. But on e insider, a former bottle cap screwer-onner at one of the 'Big Three' water industry giants, was prepared to speak out. Anonymously, of course.

"It were like a workhouse it were.." he says, still shaking, and nervously eyeing the exits for the nearest urinal, "..or like 1984. An enormous factory line, with propoganda shouted down upon us from above. We had our own hoses, at our workstations, and if we didn't gulp regularly from them, well, I don't really like to say... only that some men were taken away for 'water retraining', and never heard of again. I spent most the day with my knees crossed. And there were only one toilet, by the canteen, down 2 flights stairs! And of course we all knew it were a lie, but still they kept telling the public to drink up. Ministers of Parliament, Surgeon Generals, they all came to the factory. But when they dined in celebration, there were no water on their tables. Only fizzy drink, and salted crisps. The irony."

A grim tale indeed. Next week, secret footage from Fiji, one of the polynesian islands worst affected by the wests uncontrolled thirst for water. Where once there was an island, now, just an isthmus. How long until the water drains away completely?

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